-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

almost two weeks sober.
it's strange how easy it's been this time around. i don't really know why. i mean, even before going to my mexico retreat i couldnt stop, and while i was there i was haunted by dreams of marijuana.

actually, every single time i've quit pot, i've had dreams about it.

i haven't had a single dream about it so far. this says something to me..

but last night i had a dream about a monkey. a spider monkey (of course). he was wearing a harness and was rummaging around in the bushes. at first i thought it was a deer, and i was going over to get a better look, but then , yes, spider monkey wearing a harness with a leash attached to it.
it turns out it was this homeless guys monkey. he was intoxicated and i was questioning how he was taking care of the monkey. then he started talking about how he was going to keep it at the shelter. and i was all 'uhm that shelter operates from 7pm to 7am and it is not good for anyone, including the monkey, if he stays there.'
i decided this homeless man needed to give up the monkey to me, and let me take responsibility for it. he got upset, and was trying to drag the monkey off into the forest, but i unhooked the leash from the harness and carried the monkey home with me.
when i got back home there were all these people in my house, and it seemed like a construction site. i went nervously up to my mother to let her know that i had a monkey to take care of, and we'd have to feed it and find some place for it to poop. but then i noticed the walls of our house were bulging out with water. like if you pressed against it a leak would spring and the water would come pouring out.
i noticed our yellow paint was stripping back to the old terrible brown that used to be. i bemoaned about this, and then i woke up.

i woke up thinking some distorted version of 'getting this monkey off my back' except it was more about finally taking care of the monkey on my back?

either way i believe the monkey represents my addiction. and that hopefully, i have finally become capable of taking responsibility for myself.

i think the walls being flooded with water means my emotions are finally starting to come through. which is true as i have cried a little bit nearly every day.

i had signed up to audition for a choir. it was a big step for me. to go and initiate something like that. i was really excited about it. but then i found it costs 750$ to join. and i know that if i'm going to be spending that kind of money, i'm spending it on ayahuasca, and not singing. still,
i haven't even made an attempt at doing anything like that for a very long time. and it feels good to know i still have it in me to do something.

i was reading about this awesome huachuma tour in peru. 10 days and they take you around to 4 very sacred and ancient spots and you partake of the plant medicine huachuma (otherwise known as san pedro -aka saint peter -heaven gatekeeper guy)... i read a girls blog who went on the tour, and i cried reading about every one of her ceremonies. (but like i said i am crying about everything these days). the point is it reaffirmed my want to go to peru.
i'd like to save up some money and go on the huachuma tour and then go do ayahuasca in it's birthplace and gaze upon the majesty of machu picchu. maybe meet the master shaman who has trained all the shamans that have worked on me.
i'm thinking maybe january.

and if that's truly what i feel called to do, if it's really what my heart is yearning for, then i need to commit and stop wasting money on frivolous things, and get another job.
i keep saying i have to stop spending my money on shamanic medicines because i want to move out of my house...but really, it's more important for me to have these amazing heart-opening experiences than to be paying rent.

i've been feeling strong lately. and a part of my brain is worrying that this is just like all those other times when i had a good month or two and then crashed.crashed.crashed.

but my heart says it's different.

7:59 p.m. - May. 12, 2012

prev - next